Handy Dandy Notebook
by Jamalyn
Summary: *Kaisuke* Hopefully a twisted (and/or funny) take on the all too well known Kaisuke. No thinking allowed. Complete with neatly and totally tied up ending. ^_^ Rated for some not so nice language, but otherwise perfectly safe. Enjoy!


Disclaimer: I own nothing of anything important. To be perfectly honest, I'm hesitant to even claim any original (hah!) ideas found with in this fic. ^_^

Author's Notes:

1. After working on my "serious" kaisuke and never being able to match the written story with what was in my head, never being able to avoid the all too well known cliches and busting my teeth chewing altoid after altoid as I tried to figure out if that blasted story could ever be saved, I have decided to try a different route. I love kaisuke's too much to give up on them all together, but rather than try and hone my writing skills so that I can bring you deep and thought-provoking fanfiction, I have decided to try for the other extreme, pointlessness. We shall see if this works.

2. If you have never seen the Nickelodeon show _Blue's Clues_ you may find yourself at somewhat of a loss. Never have I found a children's show more adept at reducing learned adults into mindless maniacs screaming, "A clue! A clue! Look behind you!" Frankly, it frightens me. There are also a few references to the Smurfs and Barbie (none of which I own).

3. This is dedicated to lu-chan. I _hope_ to prove that both a plot and gratuitous sex, while definitely added bonuses, are not necessarily requirements if one wants reviews. (_I hope, I hope, I hope!_)

4. And a word to the wise. Please don't take this too seriously. It is just a joke (a very poor joke, but a joke all the same). I know the characters are a little off their rockers. ^_^

****

Handy Dandy Notebook

Daisuke was on a mission. A very secrete mission. A mission that was so secrete, the only person who knew he about it was himself, and well, Demiveemon, because Daisuke mumbled in his sleep. Daisuke's mission was to infiltrate the base of the Digi-world's all-dominating leader and determine his weaknesses. These weaknesses could (and would!) then prove to be the digidestined's fatal blow to the power base that was The Digital Kaiser.

It was with this object in mind that Daisuke has slipped into the Digital World all alone, without even his faithful partner by his side (who despite having been previously warned, had eaten Taichi's mother's liver sticks while he and Daisuke were visiting Hikari the night before and had therefore, spent the entire day in the smallish, off-yellow bathroom of the Motomiya apartment.) Unaware that Daisuke's crazy plan had been put into action, the cute little fuzz ball readily agreed to staying put while Daisuke went to play soccer in the park.

And so, Daisuke soon found himself curling up under the nearest, weepyest, weeping willow tree and doing his best to look both sad and tired, which was more than a little difficult as he was nearly jumping with excitement. Just as he had suspected, the Kaiser's Airdramon could soon be heard roaring as they swept over the countryside to Daisuke's not-so-hidden hiding spot. Daisuke ignored all good sense (which _should_ have been telling him to run but instead was screaming, "Yes, yes, yes!" like every other part of his brain) and just lay there, pretending to be oblivious to the danger drawing near and imaging Hikari running to him with a kiss for his bravery. Well, perhaps a kiss was too much to ask for, but maybe, just maybe she might pat him on the shoulder. Yeah, that would be nice, a good solid pat on the shoulder.

So enthralled was he in his 'Hikari patting me (me, not Takeru, **_me_**) on the back' fantasy that he failed to noticed the Kaiser's arrival a few minutes later. Not that the Kaiser minded as it made bashing Daisuke unconscious with a club that much easier. The Kaiser did his best to drag Daisuke's limp form over to the waiting Airdramon but the boy was much too heavy. Eventually he had to call Wormmon over to help, only then succeeding.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Daisuke awoke groggily and with a throbbing headache some time later. "Oh… My… Head," he groaned, trying to shake away more of the fog before getting a baring on his location, "Hello? Anyone home?" No response, "How is it you always manage to sneak up on us?" he asked, knowing full well that if the Kaiser was not somewhere in the blurry room, he would certainly be watching.

"Shhh, just lie back down," a soft voice said from somewhere nearby, "I think you have a concussion. I must have hit you too hard. I'll be more careful next time."

"Hmmm, lets just not do a next time, eh?" Daisuke mumbled but did as he had been told. He did not think rooms were supposed to spin quite like this anyhow. He smiled as a cool hand was placed against his forehead, "How long have I been out?"

"A day or so," the Kaiser answered a moment later, "It's difficult to keep track of time in the Digital World."

"Wow."

"Yeah, I know. I was beginning to worry."

"No, I mean, wow. You're a fucking genius and you can't even tell time."

"That's not nice. I had to leave the real world in a hurry and forgot to pack my digital clock."

"Oh well, I guess I can understand that," Daisuke conceded just before falling off into deep sleep again. When he awoke some time later (damned if he had any real notion of how long he had been out and the Kaiser had already proven himself useless on this point) he was surprised to find the Kaiser curled up next to him, still soundly sleeping.

"Hey," he said, nudging at the Kaiser, "Hey, Ken, wake up." There was no response.

"Keeeeen," Daisuke used his best singsong voice has he poked the Kaiser in the ribs.

"Don't call me Ken," the Kaiser mumbled, trying to swat Daisuke's hand away, quite unsuccessfully. Daisuke just rolled his eyes, flopping back on the bed in frustration. 

What to do, what to do?

Daisuke jumped again, this time with a grin and began pacing about the room, pawing through the Kaiser's cabinets and drawers. He could not really see anything with the room as dark as it was but even he knew it would be rude to turn on a light while the Kaiser was still trying to sleep.

"Ohhh," Daisuke exhaled slowly at the sight in front of him. He had stumbled upon the mother load. The cabinet on the far wall held the most extensive collection of Barbie dolls that he had ever seen (and he had been around). He took each one of the shelves reverently, taking special interest in the detailed gowns and other outfits. Mmmm, Sleeping Beauty. She would be perfect…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was beginning to grow light out side by the time he had finished playing with the toy dolls. Replacing each one inside the cabinet carefully, he went to sit next to the Kaiser again.

The young dictator was still out cold, not even moving when Daisuke sat down. Note to self: the Kaiser was a very sound sleeper. Surely they could use that. Attack at night or something. Of more importance now, however, was how to _wake_ the Kaiser with out putting him in a bad mood. Daisuke had to be gentle. After considering his possibilities for a second, he decided to kiss Ken's cheek. An uncharacteristic show of affection, to be sure (especially seeing as how this was his mortal enemy), but it seemed to work because the Kaiser began to stir.

"Soon, mama. I'll be up soon." Well! Mama, was it? Screw gentleness. Daisuke pinched Ken's nose closed, causing him to wake suddenly with a startled snort and sputter.

"I am not your mama," Daisuke complained, giving the Kaiser his best disgruntled look. The poor Kaiser was still trying to orientate himself to his new waking state and could not figure out what he had done to upset Daisuke.

"I never said you were," Ken responded genuinely confused. Daisuke did not believe him for a second.

"Whatever."

"Why did you wake me up?" Ken asked just before lying back down and closing his eyes. Daisuke sat him back up, giving him a bit of a shake.

"You were sleeping," Daisuke replied with a wide smile, "And it's time you got up." Was that a whimper from the ruler of the Digital World?

"Unlike you, not all of us have slept for last three days." The Kaiser was practically begging.

"But I'm hungry. One can't eat if one's sleeping," Daisuke pointed out thoughtfully. The Kaiser sighed resignedly before cupping his hands around his mouth and yelling for Wormmon. The little worm showed up a few seconds later, concerned that his master would be up so early.

"Bring Daisuke some food. _He's hungry,_" the Kaiser ordered before wrenching himself free of Daisuke's grasp and curling up on his side. Daisuke smiled his thanks to the digimon as he nodded and hurried back out of the room. By the time the door could shut and Daisuke turn to look at the Kaiser, he was already snoring. _Grouch._ Still, he was getting his breakfast.

Daisuke slid off the bed as Wormmon came back in just a couple of minutes later.

"That was quick," he complemented the industrious digimon.

"We microwave everything." _Oh, microwaved_. Daisuke scrunched his nose up at the eggs. He had never been fond of microwaved eggs. They always tasted funny. Still, food was food. At least he had sausage and what appeared to be pancakes. How did one go about microwaving pancakes?

"They come frozen. It only takes 30 seconds," Wormmon offered up helpfully when he saw the way Daisuke kept poking at the pancakes with his chopsticks.

"Oh," Daisuke voiced his opinion out loud this time, "Why do you microwave everything." 

"Master prefers it," Wormmon shrugged, "Do you want anything else?"

"No thanks," Daisuke grinned at the little green digimon who was doing his best to stifle a gigantic yawn, "You should go back to sleep."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Kaiser awoke with a yawn, stretching his arms high above his head. He sat up, feeling over the side of the bed with his toes for his bunny slippers, only to end up with a foot full of very cold eggs. Apparently they weren't Daisuke's thing. But why did he have to put the tray right there? And where were the Kaiser's bunny slippers? He one-footed it to the adjoining bathroom and ran his foot under the tub's faucet. When he was sure he had every last bit of the red and yellow slime from out of between his toes, (s_ure, Wormmon can find salsa for Daisuke's eggs_) he resumed his search for the bunny slippers.

He walked over to the snoring Daisuke, giving him a dirty look before shaking him awake with little care.

"What now?" Daisuke groaned.

"Have you seen my bunny slippers?" Daisuke nodded and pointed towards the foot of the bed with another groan. The Kaiser hurried over and pulled them on. "Don't wear my bunny slippers. They're mine."

"I wouldn't have to if you turned on a heater every once in a while," came the short reply, which the Kaiser chose to ignore, giving Daisuke another shake to really wake him up.

"Come on. It's time to get up."

"No, I just got back to sleep. Leave me alone."

"No, get up. If you stay awake through today, then you'll be tired when I go to bed later tonight and we can synchronize our sleeping patterns."

"How about you just stay up with me later tonight and then when I go _back_ to sleep you can as well and _then_ our patterns will be synchronized." The Kaiser bit back a frustrated sigh. Daisuke could not really be that tired if he was making such sense. He was just trying to be difficult.

"Come on," Ken insisted, pulling back the covers before moving to lift the window shades, "Even daylight's on my side." Daisuke groaned as the room was flooded with bright light.

"Not human boy…bat…leave be…" Daisuke tried another tactic. The Kaiser just tickled his feet, totally unimpressed.

"I'm not stupid, and I am not going to fall for that 'I'm sleepy' act," he intoned, grinning as Daisuke squirmed and kicked in an effort to keep his feet from the Kaiser's dexterous fingers.

"Fine. I'm awake. I didn't know you could be so cruel," Daisuke moaned, sitting up in bed and throwing back the rest of the covers. The Kaiser smirked, happy to have won the mini-battle.

"See it's not that bad," Ken replied, ruffling Daisuke's hair, "I'll even let you have first dibs on the bathtub. Hot water," he offered temptingly. Daisuke could not help the huge smile that spread over his face. The last time he had had hot water for a bath wasn't since…since…well, since before Jun turned thirteen. He hurried off to run his water while the Kaiser straightened the room, calling for Wormmon to remove Daisuke's tray and bring him one of his own. It wasn't until the Kaiser went to check on his precious Barbie collection that the trouble really started.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Daisuke could hear Ken's earsplitting scream even behind the closed door of the bathroom.

"What is it? What's the matter?" Daisuke came running out, dripping water and soap bubbles all over the Kaiser's imported shag carpeting. Ken stood, dumbfounded, in front of his collection cabinet, staring. Someone had taken each doll and made a three-dimensional karma sutra. Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty were…well, lets just say Ken never realized that Barbies could bend that way. He shuddered before turning to look at Daisuke.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!" he jumped back, even more shocked then he had been a mere second before, "You're naked!" Daisuke looked down, as if noticing this fact for the first time before shrugging, taking a moment to flick a few suds from his stomach before looking back up at Ken.

"You're bloody brilliant," Daisuke answered back slowly and sarcastically when Ken failed to offer a further response. The Kaiser bit back his annoyance at the flippant remark, rolling his eyes, but otherwise choosing to ignore it as he took a couple of steps closer. He would get a reaction out of Daisuke, yet!

"And wet," he gave a predatory grin, his eyes moving up and down Daisuke's frame, "Mmmm, and soapy." Daisuke just continued to stand there, not even bothering to look away or to blush. Finally, Ken gave up on subtleties, instead motioning towards the still unmade bed as he untied his robe.

"Okay, I think we all know where this is going…lets just get on with it." Daisuke grinned, flashing bright teeth as he ran for the bed.

"I was wondering when we would get to this," he giggled (yes, giggled!). The Kaiser just refrained from commenting, shoving Daisuke more towards the center of the bed as he climbed on himself.

"Who said you get to be on top?" Daisuke asked as the Kaiser

"**I** am the Digital Kaiser," came the obvious answer.

"So I've heard," Daisuke replied dryly, "But I call next time."

"Fine. I call both times after that."

"You can't call two times in a r--" Daisuke's complaint was cut short by the most lip-chewing, tongue-sucking, projectile-spiting kiss of his life. A kiss that ended very, very quickly.

"Ugh." The Kaiser felt like he had just re-eaten Daisuke's breakfast. "Before we do anything else I think you should go brush your teeth. There's a spare toothbrush under the sink. Quickly," he lay on his side watching Daisuke scrambled towards the bathroom, immediately reaching for the toothbrush in the little cup beside the sink, "And don't use mine! I said **under **the sink!" Daisuke let out what sounded like a frustrated growl as he sunk to his knees to dig for the extra toothbrush, finally finding it only to have to work that much harder to get the package open. Eventually he got it free, and applying an abundant amount of toothpaste, began to scrub his teeth.

"We're about to exchange vast amounts of body fluids," he complained through a mouthful of suds, "What's so terrible about me using your toothbrush."

The Kaiser fought back shudders at the thought, "Nobody uses my toothbrush but me. That's just gross." This time it was Daisuke's turn to roll his eyes.

"Hypocrite."

"Just hurry up. And rinse some of that soap off. I'm sure it tastes nasty," Ken urged, making faces the whole time.

"I'm hurrying. Don't be so impatient. You act like you've never gotten any." The Kaiser, wisely, bit his tongue.

"Hey. You'd be sexually frustrated too if you had to sit up here all day with no one but Wormmon," he injected, smiling when Daisuke finished rinsing out his mouth and taking only the barest of seconds to wash off the drying soap, came back to bed, "Finally."

"Do with me as you will master," Daisuke joked, holding his arms wide in supplication. Ken giggled.

"Mmmm, master. I think I like that. Perhaps that's what you should call me from now on."

"No chance in hell, Kaiser, no chance in hell," Daisuke winked.

__

Some time later…

"So where exactly does this leave us?" Daisuke asked, licking his popsicle from stem to tip to keep the sticky syrup from running down his hand. (It was the Kaiser's tradition to have popsicles after sex, neither of them being old enough to smoke. The really frightening part was that Wormmon had known to bring them in. Just what did that worm do in his spare time?)

"I suppose you could be my slave and I your all dominating master."

"Hmmm, that might be fun some of the time, but not all of the time."

"I kind of figured you might say that. I guess we could just hang around. Maybe play a little soccer. I wouldn't mind doing this," Ken waved a hand about, indicating the now very messy bed and it occupants, "again sometime." Daisuke tossed his half finished popsicle on the floor and began tickling Ken with an icy cold tongue.

"I didn't say now," Ken sighed.

"Oh, sorry." Daisuke tried to hide his blush behind the coverlet. Ken smiled, pulling him close so he could whisper in his ear.

"I didn't say not now, either. But it's my turn again."

"I still say you can't call twi--"

__

Quite some time later…

Daisuke yawned, blinking sleepily at the Kaiser who was already way on his way to drifting off. "You know, it shouldn't be physically possible for us to have sex this many times in a row," Daisuke smiled, cuddling Ken close.

"We are in the digital world. I surprised that you haven't noticed that one of the effects of crossing over is increased stamina," he replied, his voice a contented murmur.

"Really? Wow," Daisuke grinned, still placing light kisses on Ken's shoulder, "That's convent. Are there any others I should know about?"

"Oh, well," it was becoming harder and harder for the Kaiser to focus, "You heal faster, you can jump higher, lots of things. But generally, you are a superior human being."

"As superior as you?"

"No chance in hell, Daisuke, no chance in hell." And with that the Kaiser fell asleep, still smiling at his little joke. Daisuke wanted nothing more than to follow his example, but knew he still had a job to do. He carefully squirmed away from the sleeping Kaiser and hurried into the bathroom where he had left his pants earlier, casting a slightly wistful look at the now very cold bath water.

Daisuke reached the back pocket of his pants for his handy dandy notebook, flipping past the blanket, picnic basket and sandwich to an empty page. One of these days he was going to figure out just what Blue wanted to do on his day off. Hmm, one of these days…but getting back to business…he tapped his large green crayon against the blank page a few times, doing his best to remember all that had happened since he had arrived. What were the Digital Kaiser's weaknesses?

Suddenly Daisuke smiled, beginning to scribble away. There was telling time, and early mornings, toothbrushes, bunny slippers and sex. Wow! His list was already pretty long and he had only been her for…well…he could not really be sure how long he had been here but it couldn't have been too long of a time. He hid the notebook back in his pant's pocket before tiptoeing back and crawling into bed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Kaiser sat up, stretching and wondering for a second about the strange since of déjà vu that seemed to envelop him. Then, of course, he caught a glimpse of Daisuke, still sleeping nearby and remembered. He smiled a little, reaching out with his toes for his bunny slippers, only to end up with his foot in the sticky puddle that had been Daisuke's popsicle. Why had Daisuke throw it off on the Kaiser's side again? And there was no way that Wormmon would ever be able to get that out of the carpeting.

He hopped over to the bathroom, reaching down through the cold filmy bath water to pull out the plug. He quickly rinsed off his foot and walking back into the bedroom, grabbed his slippers from where they had mysteriously translocated themselves to Daisuke's side of the bed before going over to realign his Barbie cabinet. It wasn't too long before Daisuke also began to stir, sitting up to admire this image of the Kaiser wearing only bunny slippers (he having neglected to put his robe back on) and playing with his dolls. He cleared his throat, causing Ken to turn with a smile.

"Hey Daisuke," Ken said softly and oddly shyly, "I figured I would wait until you had your bath to take mine." Daisuke felt his heart swell with something that (frighteningly enough) seemed to resemble love. He could not remember the last time that someone had gone so out of his or her way to be so kind to him.

"Thanks Ken," Daisuke replied just as softly.

"It's nothing," the Kaiser said off-handedly, looking a way to hide his smile and growing blush, "And don't call me Ken." Now this was something Daisuke had struggled to understand since they had first been introduced to the Kaiser.

"Why not? What could you possibly have against the name Ken? Is it not powerful enough for you or something?" There was not even a hint of malice in Daisuke's questions, just pure confusion.

"Oh, well, it's not that," the Kaiser hastened to assure him, "I just hate the name Ken. I mean: Ken. Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken. Could you get any duller? Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken. Just one little syllable, Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken, K--"

"Would you stop saying Ken!" Daisuke quickly cut him off, pressing his hands over his ears. The Kaiser walked over to peal them away, tipping Daisuke's head up to stare directly into his eyes.

"You see, my point precisely," he smiled. Daisuke nodded knowingly.

"So what should I call you then?" The Kaiser had never really considered his other options. Of course there was always master, but Daisuke had not seemed overly fond of that earlier. Suddenly he remembered something long since forgotten.

"I've always been fond of Hammond," he suggested hopefully, sighing a bit in defeat when Daisuke shook his head no.

"I'm not calling you Hammond. I hate that name. It always makes me think of vicious dinosaurs." Both boys paused to think for a moment.

"I know!" Daisuke jumped, "I can call you Kai-kun." Ken smiled, nodding his acceptance.

"But only I get to call you that, alright? No one else," Daisuke insisted, making the Kaiser blush all over again.

"Naturally." They both smiled at odd objects around the room for a little longer, their eyes darting back to each other every so often. "Well, I guess you should get your bath now."

"Yeah, thanks Kai-kun," Daisuke stopped to place a small kiss on the Kaisers cheek before hurrying into the bathroom. Ken waited until the door shut and he heard the tap run before flopping back on the bed, smiling and hugging himself tight.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Daisuke poked his head around the bathroom door. "Kai-kun?"

"What is it Dai-chan?" the Kaiser asked from nearby, his robe now firmly in place. It was not a welcome improvement.

"Umm, it's just my clothes. They're kind of dirty. You wouldn't have anything I could borrow would you?"

"Of course, sweet," he smiled before turning away to scream for Wormmon, "They'll be here in a second."

"Thanks. But Kai-kun? If I can't call you Ken you can't call me sweet, deal?" The Kaiser smiled a bit.

"Okay Dai-chan," he responded, turning, as Wormmon chose that precise moment to show up, "Bring Daisuke some clothes." Wormmon twitched his front pods nervously.

"You mean the…"

"Yes, yes, those will do!" the Kaiser cut him off a tad bit impatiently. Daisuke raised a questioning eyebrow but the Kaiser refrained from further comment. He did, however, make a mental note to hide the rest of his secret collection rather than risk Daisuke finding them.

It did not take Wormmon long to return with an exact replica of Daisuke's shorts, tee-shirt and flame jacket, complete with glow-in-the-dark alien boxers (something the Kaiser had found out about just before he cuffed Daisuke to the face of that cliff.) He quickly handed them over to Daisuke.

Daisuke looked at the clothes a little strangely. He was not sure what he had expected, but this was not it. "You were expecting me?" he asked the obvious question

The Kaiser hmmm and hummed for a second, thinking back to the well-worn Mimi-like skirt and top. He really hoped Wormmon could hide the rest of the collection quickly if need be.

"Uh, yeah," he finally just out-right lied, blinking at Daisuke with what he hoped resembled innocent eyes, "I've, uh, had my eyes on you for a while." The inquisitive look on Daisuke's face softened, leaving only a smile.

"I promise I'll be out really quick. I know you must want a bath."

"Oh, take your time," the Kaiser called back over his shoulder, quickly sliding out of the room and calling Wormmon back so he could tell him to toss all the evidence. That small task completed, he hurried back inside just as Daisuke came out of the bathroom fully dressed.

"All's free."

"Thanks," the Kaiser kept shooting nervous glances at the bedroom door, "I won't be long. Promise me you won't sneak out," he demanded. Daisuke was a little taken aback at his sudden change of tone but remembered to nod his head.

"This is important, Daisuke. Say 'I promise'." Okay, now he was getting suspicious.

"What are you hiding out there?" The way the Kaiser kept chewing on his lower lip only strengthened Daisuke's misgivings. Those very same misgivings were amplified ten times when he was pushed back on to the bed by his Kai-kun and locked in place with handcuffs that had materialized from god-only-knows where. He wanted to be mad, but it was difficult when Ken insisted on watching him with those worried, wounded puppy dog eyes. In fact, he had to fight the urge to say something comforting.

"You're not upset, are you? I promise it is for your own good," Ken finally broke the prickly silence. Daisuke swallowed down what little was left of his anger when he saw the way the Kaiser kept wring his hands, stopping only to smooth a section of blanket near Daisuke's feet.

"Well, it hurts a little that you don't think you can trust me, but I kind of figured we would do this, too, so guess I'm not really upset," Daisuke shrugged. He was nearly blinded by the smile he received.

"I'm glad. I'll be quick and when I get out we can go do something."

"Alright," Daisuke agreed, offering his own smile in return, "Don't worry. I won't be going anywhere." He gave a bit of a tug to the cuffs for added emphasis. He was glad when Ken giggled a bit.

True to his word, the Kaiser was in and out of the bathroom with in 15 minutes. The first thing he did was uncuff Daisuke and draw him into a deep kiss.

"So, what are we going to do?" Daisuke asked expectantly. The Kaiser frowned a bit, not having planned that far into the future.

"I guess we could move into my throne room," he offered up after a second, causing Daisuke to burst in to gales of laughter. The Kaiser gave him a disgruntled look, waiting for him to explain himself. Finally he calmed down enough to talk.

"Throne room? Illusions of grandeur if I've ever heard them." Daisuke was already laughing again before his final word was even out of his mouth.

"It's not that funny," Ken muttered, "Do you want to go or not?" It took Daisuke a moment to hear what was being said but when he finally did, he nodded, still taking in deep gulps of air.

"Good," Ken smiled again, pulling over some sort of moving cart, "Could you sit on this dolly? That way you'll be easier to move after I knock you out." Daisuke flinched at the words.

"Do you really have to knock me out," he winced again for emphasis.

"It's not that I want to. Hurting you doesn't do anything for me. Well, not much anyway. I mean, I can live with out it. If I absolutely had to. **But** if I don't then you'll discover all the secrets of my base," Ken explained.

"Ah, Kai-kun, we already do. Koushiro hacked your network months ago."

"Oh!" the Kaiser seemed genuinely surprised, "Well that certainly explains a few things. Like why my screen saver kept changing to a pikachu that accused me of sucking rancid eggs."

"Umm, yeah. Sorry about that one," Daisuke apologized. The Kaiser took a moment to absorb the implied guilt in that statement before posing his earlier question again.

"So?"

"I don't know. I mean, is it worth risking permanent brain damage? What are we going to do?"

"You are not risking permanent brain damage. And, I mostly stare at my screens. But occasionally just stare at the wall. One day there was even some sort of fly or wasp or something buzzing around. That was really cool…but no guarantees."

"Hmmm…" Daisuke seemed unconvinced.

"We could always play soccer or something. I'm sure I've got a ball around here somewhere and the th-err, control room is awful large." Finally an idea that seemed to appeal to Daisuke. He jumped on to the dolly, sat down and cocked his head so that the Kaiser would have easier access. The Kaiser picked up his club and gave Daisuke a quick bash on the head.

"Ouch! Not hard enough," Daisuke cried, seeing stars but otherwise still conscious.

"Sorry," the Kaiser squeaked, stepping up to kiss the sore spot just before bring the club down even harder. This time Daisuke did (thankfully) black out. The Kaiser quickly rolled Daisuke through the now open bedroom door and into his THRONE ROOM (despite what Daisuke had to say, he was still ruler of this world and deserved the honor of a throne room.) Now all he had to do is wait for Daisuke to wake up. Hopefully it would not take as long this time.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Kaiser hmmed worriedly over Daisuke's prone form.

__

Little bunny foo-foo, hopping through the forest.

Perhaps those knocks to the head were doing some harm.

__

Picking up the field mice and bopping them on the head.

"Daisuke," the Kaiser tried to rouse the semi-conscious boy further. All he got for his effort was a grin as Daisuke continued his song.

__

So down came the good fairy and she said: "Oh hi Hammond. Don't you look lovely tonight."

"I don't think those are the words, Daisuke," Ken could not help but grin back when Daisuke smiled at him again.

"Ouch. My head hurts," Daisuke whimpered a second later, waking up more and more with each passing moment.

"Yeah," the Kaiser bent down to wrap his arms around Daisuke and gently kiss the second tender spot, "How about we make a deal. You never tell any of the other digidestined about the unknown secrets of my base and I will quick knocking you out when we have to go somewhere. Deal?"

"Your secrets are safe with me Herr Kaiser," Daisuke promised, placing one hand above his heart as proof.

"I'd be proud if I thought you actually meant anything respectful by that," Ken joked, "You are just too cute when you're dopey."

"I think I love you," Daisuke interjected suddenly. The Kaiser glowed, ignoring the fact that this sudden show of emotion could probably chalked up to Daisuke's mild concussion. Slowly, Daisuke continued to come back to himself, but (much to the Kaisers pleasure) he did not try to pull away.

"Do you think you can stand on your own yet?" Ken asked a few minutes later. "Come on, I'll help you up." Daisuke began to improve rapidly after that and the Kaiser felt would be back to his (essentially) normal self with in a few hours. In the meanwhile they could get to know each other. Of course, first they had to get past Daisuke's little tiff over his chair, or rather, the lack there of. He just couldn't seem to understand that the Kaiser had never thought to decorate for more than one (more than one never having resided in the base). Ken just chalked his crankiness up to the headache he surely had and in the end, gave Daisuke his own th-err, chair and settled himself in Daisuke's lap. That seemed to put Daisuke in somewhat of a better mood.

The Kaiser snuggled his head into the crook of Daisuke's neck. "So talk to me," Daisuke suggested a few moments later.

"What do you want me to talk about?"

Daisuke shrugged, "I don't know. You're the super genius, figure something out."

"Dai…" the Kaiser warned, but his ire was already fading as Daisuke cuddled him close.

"Just talk," Daisuke insisted. Ken chewed on his lower lip for a moment. He wasn't really much of a conversationalist. He did not like to have to think on his feet. It flustered him. Still, Daisuke was expecting him to say something.

"Umm," the Kaiser tried to think back to the book that he had last read, "Immunology. Um, there is something called complement. It's part of the humoral branch of your immune system. It can be activated by two separate pathways, classical and alternative, you follow?" The Kaiser waited until he felt Daisuke nod before continuing.

"A very important component of complement, maybe even the most important, is C3. C3 is capable of spontaneously cleaving in to C3a and C3b. C3b can then combine with factor B to for C3bB. So C3bB can now be cleaved by factor D to form C3bBb," the Kaiser paused a little in his explanation to giggle, "which I always thought was funny. I mean why C3bBb? Why not C3bBd? Or if you're cleaving it, why add a letter. I'm sure somebody knows, but I couldn't figure it out. Hey, Daisuke? Are you listening to me?"

Daisuke chose that moment to let out a ripping snore. He had fallen asleep! The Kaiser poked him in the ribs.

"Yeah," he mumbled, "Vitamin C. I'm following." The Kaiser let out a growl, twisting so he could get Daisuke's ribs with his elbow rather than his finger.

"You're not listening to a word I'm saying!" he huffed.

Daisuke winced at his angry tone, "No offence, Kai-kun, but that's really, really boring."

"Fine then. You talk," the Kaiser snarled, still pouting.

"I can't. That hurts my jaw, which hurts my ears, which only makes my head hurt more. Just talk about something interesting."

"Some people do consider immunology interesting."

"Yeah right," Daisuke smirked, "How about if I ask questions, and you answer? Will that work?"

"Yeah," Ken agreed, albeit more than a little reluctantly.

"Why do you eat only frozen foods from the microwave?"

"I can't cook," Ken answered casually.

  
"Like you would do the cooking anyway. You would just get some poor digimon slave to do it for you," Daisuke scoffed. The Kaiser let out a huff that was every bit as full of contempt.

"Have you ever tried to eat something a digimon cooked. Those things don't have taste buds." Hmm, Daisuke had honestly never considered whether or not digimon slaves would actually make good cooks. But now that he thought about it, and about some of the things they had tried to convince him were food in the past, he could definitely see where troubles could arise.

"Well that would explain why Demiveemon is always so happy about eating at the Yagami's," he mused, more to himself then Ken, then with a squeeze for Ken, "Second question. Who would you rather be stuck in a phone booth with: Takeru or Iori?" 

The Kaiser had to considering that one for quite a while. "Well, I've heard lots of good things about Iori's kendo stick, but I guess I'd have to go with Takeru in the end."

"Ewww, double ewww for that mental image of Iori. He's just a kid! Why Takeru?"

Ken rolled his eyes. Did Daisuke even listen to some of the things that come out of his mouth? "For that very reason. Besides, I think Takeru's hat is kind of cute." The Kaiser was shocked to find himself sitting on the floor a second later, Daisuke having pushed him off of his lap.

"How could you say that?" Daisuke demanded, "You sick bastard." Ken had to blink back tears at the hateful words.

"It's just my opinion. Can't anyone have an opinion around here anymore?"

"You can have them. Just don't speak them aloud," Daisuke decided, holding out his arms for Ken to climb back up on his lap. When he was resituated comfortably, Daisuke continued, "So, what have you heard about Iori's stick?"

"Can we not go there?" Ken groaned. "I think I'm going to have a bruise as is. Do you have questions a bit more relevant to _our_ situation?"

"You mean like are we a couple? No, I think I figured that one out on my own. How about…when are you going to get around to chaining and beating me, or at least just being generally evil?" Daisuke paused to think for a second, "Technically, I guess, you've already chained me. But what about the rest?"

"Daisuke, really," the Kaiser rolled his eyes, "The world isn't always so conveniently black and white. You hate me because I'm the bad guy, not because you have any real idea about the kind of person I am."

"I don't hate you. In fact, I want you to join the other Digidestined and help protect the Digital World!" Daisuke exclaimed, surprising himself with his own vigor.

"Hang around with a bunch of goody-goodies? No thanks. I think I'll stay _evil_," the Kaiser laughed.

"Fine then," Daisuke did his best to shrug off his disappointment, nearly landing the Kaiser on the floor again, "But don't come crying to me when we defeat you and destroy your base."

"I don't cry," Ken assured him, giving Daisuke a dirty look when he began to smirk.

"Oh, you will. You will. Just call it a premonition."

"I thought your head hurt to much for you to talk," Ken complained.

"I'm feeling better. Do you want to play now? I mean soccer, Kai-kun," Daisuke quickly added when he saw the way Ken licked his lips.

"Oh. Well I guess that could be fun too," Ken conceded, "But that other thing…could we get to it later?"

"Sure! Up's a daisy," Daisuke sing-songed, lifting Ken to his feet.

"I guess Wormmon can find us a ball. He knows where everything is," the Kaiser promised, cupping his hand around his mouth to scream for the digimon. Wormmon was there within the minute, and was he wearing Miyako's helmet? Daisuke shook his head a little in confusion as the Kaiser hurried over, bending down to speak just to the digimon.

"What are you trying to do, you stupid little worm?" the Kaiser hissed, "Give me away? I should have known you'd get jealous! You never let me have any friends! Get out! And bring us a soccer ball!" Of course Daisuke did not hear any of this. All he saw was the way Ken tried to kick Wormmon out of the control room.

"Hey! You can't treat him like that! He's supposed to be your friend," Daisuke burst, mad beyond reason.

"Yeah, yeah." Sarcasm was one of the many things the Kaiser did exceptionally well especially when dealing with that confounded Wormmon. Daisuke, however, obviously did not realize that the little digimon caused as much trouble as he received.

"No, I mean it! I don't ever want to see you treating him like that again!" Daisuke pushed.

"You can't tell me what to do. **I** am the Digital Kaiser," Ken said all importantly, not caring to explain his actions to someone who thought all digimon were destined to be your best friend.

"Oh that is it!" Daisuke grabbed the Kaiser's wrist, jerking him over to the chair in the center of the room and pulling him across his lap, "I am sick to death of this superiority act of yours."

"What do you think you're--ow!" Ken broke off as Daisuke brought his hand down hard.

"You're spanking me?!" When Daisuke did not respond Ken began to struggle, but Daisuke just pinned him tighter and continued whack his rump.

"You can't do this! It's against the law!" Daisuke did pause then, looking down on the Kaiser curiously. 

"What law?"

"The law I just made," Ken pouted.

"Uh, uh," he shook his head at Ken, "Doesn't work that way. Law's have to be called before hand." Were those tears in the big bad _Digital Kaiser's_ eyes?

"Ow, ow, ow! Daisuke! This isn't fair!" Ken wailed.

"Don't talk to me about fair young man. What isn't fair is the way you treat poor Wormmon," Daisuke instructed, pausing to wiggle a finger at the back of Ken's head and cutting of Ken's "But, Daisuke," with another smack. When he was convinced Ken had been thoroughly chastised, Daisuke stood him back up, ignoring the exaggerated way he was rubbing his bum.

"Now apologize to Wormmon," he dictated. Ken turned towards the little digimon distastefully before rolling his eyes.

"I'm sorry," he muttered.

"Like you mean it!" Daisuke snapped. Ken looked back to him with an exasperated air.

"Don't be ridiculous. What difference does it make if I say it if I mean it or not? It won't change how I actually feel." Ken was practically begging to be released from this chore.

"Ken…" Daisuke took a threatening step forward, fighting not to smile when Ken took a matching step back.

"I didn't say I wouldn't do it!" he said with a sniff, throwing up his hands in frustration and walking over to where Wormmon crouched.

"Sheesh, somebody's in a bad mood. The big bully," he whispered under his breath before speaking to Wormmon in what he hoped was a _meaningful _voice, "I'm sorry I kicked you."

"Apology accepted," Wormmon warbled, shooting Daisuke a satisfied grin, which only grew when Ken tacked a whispered, "I hate you," on to his previous statement.

"Now that didn't hurt you, did it?" Daisuke smirked a bit when the Kaiser sent a pointed look in his direction, still wiping at his eyes. 

"I was talking about the apology," he clarified, moving over to where Ken and Wormmon stood on the edge of the room, "But maybe you'll think twice now before being mean to Wormmon." Daisuke held his arms out to Ken, wrapping him tight in a hug as he comforted away the last of the sniffles and tears.

"Wormmon, could you bring the Kaiser and I a soccer ball?" Daisuke asked, offering his best example of how Ken should treat his digimon. Never mind he was often much shorter with Demiveemon.

"That's what I was trying to tell master," Wormmon told him, batting big wet eyes, "We don't have one." Ken mumbled something under his breath that neither of them could make out.

"That's okay," Daisuke assured him before turning to Ken, "We can always do something else." Well that idea certainly appealed. Ken seemed to have totally forgotten his little tiff with Wormmon a moment before.

"Mmmm, who's my big bad Papa Smurf?" the Kaiser grinned making Daisuke laugh.

"I'm Papa Smurf, eh? Who does that make you?" he joked, kissing Ken deep.

"Rowr. Azrael," Ken replied, nipping at Daisuke's neck.

"I guess that's appropriate. Mmmm."

"And, I'm going to eat you all up," Ken purred. Wormmon pretended to gag in the corner, making Ken purr even louder.

"Hey," Daisuke pulled away reluctantly, "Speaking of food, I'm kind of hungry."

Ken sighed deep, studying the tiles on the floor for a moment before taking a step back from Daisuke. "Yeah, me too," Ken answered honestly, if a bit disappointedly, "I skipped breakfast. I have some frozen dinners. I'm sure we can _ask _Wormmon to heat them up for us." Would he ever get any, ever again?

"I've got a better idea! I can teach you how to cook. Which way is your kitchen?" Daisuke was already trying to pull him out of the control room, caught up in his own excitement.

"Wait! Dolly!" Ken screeched.

"I thought you weren't knocking me out anymore," Daisuke stated, confused.

"Oh, yeah. It just slipped my mind. You know, that's really going to leave a void in my life," the Kaiser said, frowning slightly as Daisuke drug him out of the room.

"We'll figure out a way to fill it," Daisuke smiled, "Now which way?"

"Ah, left." 

"Hm, this is nice," Daisuke complemented as they rounded the corner into the surprisingly well-stocked kitchen. Daisuke immediately moved over to a row of hooks on the side wall and grabbed a striped apron.

"You know the best thing about cooking? Aprons!"

"Aprons?"

"Yeah, they protect your clothes and come in an amazing array of designs."

"Did Yamato teach you that?" the Kaiser smirked. Daisuke just rolled his eyes.

"Why does everyone think Yamato's the only one who can cook? I mean he's good. But he's not great. I, on the other hand, am perfection," he declared, motioning for Ken to tie his apron strings back.

"Indeed," Ken agreed, "But Dai-chan, wouldn't your clothes be safer if you just took them off?"

"Nice try, Kai-kun. Maybe next time," Daisuke laughed.

"What's that?" the Kaiser asked suddenly. Daisuke jumped when he realized the Kaiser was talking about the notebook in the back pocket of his pants.

"It's my handy dandy notebook. I've been trying to figure out what Blue wants to do on his day off, but I haven't had much luck. Hey!" he exclaimed suddenly, turning towards the Kaiser, "You're a genius, you figure it out." The Kaiser took the notebook with yet another frown in Daisuke's direction, flipping through the three pages one time, then another, then still another before closing the notebook and handing it back to Daisuke with a shrug of his shoulders.

"I don't know. I've never been very good at puzzles anyway. Didn't you see the end of the show?"

"No," Daisuke said mournfully, puffing out his lower lip, "Jun changed the channel to some stupid show for girls called _The View_."

"She's just an insect. She ought to be squashed," the Kaiser offered up companionably. The minute he turned his back, Daisuke flipped to the forth page of the notebook and carefully wrote in puzzles and Smurfs. By the time the Kaiser turned back around, he had already put the notebook back in his pocket and was moving towards the refrigerator.

"So what do you want to eat?"

"It doesn't matter, I'm not picky." Daisuke shot the Kaiser a skeptical look. "I'm not!"

"How about if we make my specialty?" Daisuke suggested, "Noodles!"

"Mmmm, noodle."

"Focus, will you. I expect to feel your massive brain boring into the back of my head."

"Argh! I wish you would quit saying that. I'm not just a brain in spandex, you know. I have other qualities, too," Ken exploded, stomping his foot for emphasis. He could see Daisuke take a deep breath, never pausing in his stirring.

"I know that Ken. I'm sorry," he said slowly.

The Kaiser flinched, a sudden thought occurring to him. "Daisuke, you really like me right? This isn't just some ploy to infiltrate my base, discover all my secrets and then destroy my empire, is it?"

"No! That's not it at all!" Daisuke hastened to assure him, "I like you. I mean, I really, really like you. I might…I might even love you."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Ken blushed, "I have a way of destroying perfectly good relationships. I don't know how to explain it. Blame it on my brother. I do. And, uh, I think I love you, too."

"Then this meal with definitely cement it," Daisuke grinned, presenting the Kaiser his heaping plate with a flourish, delighting in his blush. "What say you to adjourning this back to your con-err throne room Herr Kai-kun?" Daisuke did his best not to feel guilty about how happy the Kaiser seemed to be.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Daisuke looked at the list in the back of his notebook. This was really all the information he needed. He had completed his mission. It was time for him to go home. The only problem was that he didn't really want to leave.

"Your friends just crossed over," the Kaiser broke into his sad thoughts, "I think they're looking for you."

"Why," Daisuke asked dejectedly, taking out his frustrations with his current situation by defaming his friend's personalities. 

"Well they _are_ your friends. See?" the Kaiser pointed to the center screen where Takeru, Hikari and the rest were walking around, calling out his name every so often. Demiveemon trailed a little way behind.

"Well what do you know. That's pretty cool," Daisuke responded half-heartedly, not really paying any attention.

"Don't you want to go see them? Tell them that you are all right?" Ken pushed.

"Not really. Maybe later." Ken frowned at the depressed tone of Daisuke's voice.

"Not even Hikari?" he tried again. At least that got a little chuckle. Even if it was kind of bitter.

  
"I'm not really into Hikari," Daisuke sighed. 

"Eh?"

"Takeru's 'fond' of me. Hikari's determined to marry him. I like basic shapes. And you really don't want to encourage Takeru. It's best to pretend I'm straight."

"Oh," the Kaiser smiled to show he understood Daisuke's reasoning, "So you don't want to go back?" he asked hopefully. 

Daisuke let out a gusty sigh, watching the screen that still displayed the searching movements of his friends. He knew what he had to do.

"No. I have to go back. Not only to my friends but to Demiveemon, as well. They need me to defeat…" Daisuke had to work to harden his resolve and ignore the distraught way Ken began to tear up.

"But…"

"But, but, but," Daisuke imitated gently, steadfastly refusing to let his eyes drop the Kaiser's quivering lower lip as he gently caressed the side of his face one last time, "Butts are for licking." Daisuke almost laughed when he saw the Kaiser's face first break into a grin, and then fall. He quickly moved to comfort the other boy.

"I promise I won't stay away too long. Besides, if you really wanted to be with me you could always turn good." Ken considered this for a second before shaking his head no.

"No. I really kind of prefer the empowered Ken. It's much more fun then trying to please everyone. As long as you promise to come back and visit me often, that is."

"Naturally!" Daisuke grabbed his newfound lover in a giant bear hug before grabbing his handy dandy notebook and running out of the base. It did not take long for him to cross the large field and meet up with his friends, who were aimlessly searching the bushes for his corpse. They seemed genuinely surprised to see him alive when he showed up beside them a few seconds later.

"Daisuke!" Takeru shouted breathlessly a second or so later as he began giddily jumping up and down clapping his hands while doing a mini-jig, "You're alive! You're alive! You're alive! I knew it! Eat that Hikari!" he finished shoving his hat in her direction. She just tossed it in the nearby river ignoring the startled "Hey!" from Takeru as it began to float away.

"Are you all right?" Takeru asked worriedly, moving in to hug Daisuke tight.

"I'm fine," Daisuke promised, desperately (and more than a little panickedly) trying to pry Takeru's arms from around his waist. How he managed to cling so tightly, Daisuke could never figure. The boy had to be half leach.

"I've just been doing some undercover work. I infiltrated the Kaiser's base." The entire group looked dumbfounded, but none more so than Hikari.

"So that's where you've been all this time? What the hell were you thinking? Do you know how worried everybody's been? Your parents? Demiveemon? You big idiot." And with that Hikari gave him a slap to the back of the head. It wasn't a pat on the shoulder, but it was closer than anything else he had expected. Daisuke gave her his best smile. 

"**And**, I brought back a list of all his weaknesses. Now we can defeat him!" He held out his handy dandy notebook, trying to look triumphant and not have them notice his newfound hesitance for the task. Takeru, thankfully, had to release him to begin flipping through the pages. Daisuke quickly scooped up Demiveemon (who had been waiting nearby but had not dared to approach while Takeru was being all Jun-ish) and gave him a hug. 

"Telling time, early mornings, toothbrushes, bunny slippers and sex, popsicles, sex, puzzles, his name, Smurfs…" Hikari mumbled, running a finger down the list and looking disgusted.

"We can't use any of this. It's pointless! We're back were we started except now we have to come up with a good excuse for where you've been for the last few days." Daisuke hung his head, saddened that his detailed research was going to do the team no good. And it had all seemed so worthwhile at the time! He had left the Kaiser because of this!! 

"Well come on. We might as well go back and get this over with," Hikari complained, motioning the others towards the gate. Daisuke dropped Demiveemon and made to follow the others through the gate, but at the last second caught sight of the Kaiser standing all alone on the top of a far-off cliff, his cape blowing in the wind. Despite the distance, Daisuke could almost swear he saw him wink. 

If there was one thing his stay with the Kaiser had taught Daisuke it was that there is a set of inevitabilities in this life and that there really wasn't any point in fighting against them, but rather one should just try and enjoy the ride. With that in mind, Daisuke quickly grabbed his notebook, jotting his own name on the very last page and dropping it where he stood before grabbing Demiveemon and running of to rejoin _his_ Kaiser.

[cue Dean Martin's Return to Me and fade to black…]

The End

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Please Review!

I really do love reviews! Even if they only say, "You SUX." I'm just **that** pathetic! So please make my day! ^_^

And special thanks to Lu-chan, who let me play with some of her ideas. (That means that she is partially liable for any damage this story does to anyone's brain cells, right?)


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